The 9 types of pickup soccer player

In soccer, as in life, it takes all kinds. 

Since moving to New York in 2000, I’ve played in thousands of pickup soccer matches, with many hundreds of players. While every baller is unique, in his or her skill level and style of play, I've noticed certain patterns over the years, which I've distilled into the nine player types below. 

Most ballers are a combination of two or three types, and the balance can shift from game to game, or even within a single match. I always aspire to being a captain (probably because I never reached the status as a younger man) but I know I can get a little chippy, and even cancerous, on occasion (no doubt because of other shortcomings in my game and nature). It's a fine line. 

With that, here are my nine player types. While they're plucked from the soccer pitch, they should be familiar to other sports, and even teams within the workplace and other walks of like. The list is open to debate, so if you have other thoughts, reach out to me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. I'll make this a running list, adding new types and tweaking existing ones, based on the feedback.            

The Captain. Rarely the best player on the field, the CAPTAIN still gives his team an edge with decision-making, direction, work ethic, and attitude. The best of the bunch are vocal while also leading by example. Think Keane, Gerrard, Deschamps, and other legendary captains of the game. 

The Hack. Makes up for a lack of skill and tactical understanding with aggressive, bordering on belligerent, play. The HACK is probably the worst opponent to have, which should mean he’s a great teammate, but in my mind the bad juju cancels out any upside, and by a wide margin.    

The Player. Possessed of superior skills, game sense, and conditioning, the PLAYER is on another level. There’s great value in that, sure, but it can also make it hard for his side to find its rhythm, especially if he’s paired with a COACH, since the two types tend to have awful chemistry.             

The Winner. The WINNER is not quite as talented as the PLAYER, but he has that elusive champion’s quality that always seems to translate into victory for his side. Given the choice between the two, I'll take the WINNER every time.

The Coach. This is the guy who can’t stop barking orders and handing out advice, even as his teammates plead with him to shut the hell up and just play the game already. The COACH is definitely not my favorite type of baller, as you might have guessed.

The Pest. Think of the PEST as the HACK'S virtuous twin brother. Both are up in your grill all game long, but the PEST manages to do so cleanly, and usually gets at least one junk goal in the process. I can't stand playing against PESTS, but I sure love seeing them on my side.                 

The Veteran. Also known as a geezer, the VETERAN is that fifty-ish player who can no longer make runs or take players on, but he remains a threat out there behind his guile and tactical acumen. As a soon-to-be VETERAN, I got nothing but love and respect for these guys.    

The Cancer. A rare breed, the CANCER is the player who kills his team’s chances, and the vibe of the entire game, with awful attitude and poor sportsmanship. I’ve only encountered a handful of true CANCERS in my years, and unlike the real-life variety, they’ve always disappeared on their own.

The Rookie. The ROOKIE came to soccer later in life, but has no interest in a beginner’s game. You respect the chutzpah, while quietly hoping he ends up on another team—unless you’re a CAPTAIN, in which case you find ways to involve the ROOKIE without hurting your team's chances.